Confessions of a Modern Postmodern

Part 2: In which we find some answers

2007-07-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm finally getting around to part two.
Part one is just a short scroll down (or click here you lazy freak).

So I'm sitting there with this spirituality that has become a nagging smelling stack of dishes. Dishes that I plug my nose around, and ignore as best I can...

And I think the 'smelly' part of that analogy is where I'll pick it back up again. Have you ever smelled something that just absolutely made your stomach turn? My first experience with this was while working in the meat department at the grocery store. I was assigned the task of disposing of all the old meat. What you may not know is that old meat is recycled. They used to use it for feed, now it's mainly used as fertilizer. So that makes my job fun. I had to cut open each package, and dump it into a barrel. The cool thing about refrigeration is that it keeps the smell down, generally. There is, however, one thing that reeks beyond all reekage. Rotten Chicken. It's truly puke-worthy folks.

I write all that not to gross you out (ok, maybe a bit), but to get across how very stinky this whole spirituality thing had become to me.

Every time I thought about it, I wanted to puke.

Part of me felt as though I was that guy that Christians like to say 'fell away', I wasn't going to church or participating in my spirituality at all. The other part of me felt free as a bird, thrilled to be rid of restrictions and expectations. I didn't know what to do. Everything around me told me the answers to my questions were in books. Books from the Bible to The Tao of Pooh, books that I couldn't, for the time being, even bear (pun so intended) to pick up. So I went for a long while without doing anything.

Then one day I had a moment. I can't tell you what exactly it was, but it was something rather small. Something small that had a rather large effect. I encountered a situation that...

...stared at me briefly, and with a voice like sand paper spoke...
"All right kid. This way or that way. I don't care which one you take, just do it fast or you get a bullet in the brain pan, squish."
I swallowed hard and flinched...
"That way." I said, fear etched on my forehead.

This tiny little decision had massive implications. I'd been forced decide, and to act on what I believed. Funny thing was, it was an easy choice. And for the next week all I could think about was the fact that I had acted the way I wanted to, and that my action fell firmly in line with the beliefs that I had so seriously been doubting. It wasn't in books, it wasn't in conversations, it wasn't in the horoscope (blech). The answer I needed was in doing what I believed. I suddenly felt like a genie...

PHENOMENAL COSMIC ANSWERS!
Itty Bitty Incident.

Phew, that was a relief. But now what? You're thinking to yourself 'This one little thing can't solve all the problems'. Yeah, you're right, it can't. But it took me back to a starting point, it told me which race I was running in. The rest will come with time, and I can tackle the pieces bit by bit.

-----

Let's tackle some pieces.

-----

Ok, first piece, find some people who believe what you do and hang out with them.
This is called fellowship, and it's most commonly done in a setting called church.
So, first piece, find a church. (some other time we'll talk about 'a church' vs. 'the church' and all those fun semantical goodies)

Great, this one's harder than it sounds...
Problem 1: The Social Anxiety Factor. Most people would be surprised at this, but I have some minor issues with 'going places and meeting people', and it doesn't help that I've not had this kind of interaction in half a year. If I actually go, and interact with them, everything usually turns out fine, but I have to get over the hump and do it. And believe me, that can be a big-ass hump sometimes. Things that help? Someone to go with, knowing someone already there, and/or being drug against my will.

... I hate to do this, but it's 1am again, and I have to be in Evergreen at 8.
Stay tuned for part 3...

It's not that easy to fix.

2007-06-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

Tangent first...
I was just looking at the Wikipedia page on Jesus.
I was intrigued by the images there, don't they further the misconception that Jesus was a handsome Caucasian dude with a nice beard?

----------

Sometimes, in the spring usually...
When flowers start to bloom...
When lovers emerge to walk the streets and duck into tiny cafe's and trinket shops...
When the radio starts to play the song that will be the graduation anthem for that years classes...
Sometimes I get lovesick.
It's a feeling that's glorious to inhale and heart wrenching to exhale.
My cheeks tingle with numbness and my heart bubbles at the slightest nod from a lovely lady.
I could sit alone and listen to candy-pop for hours on end, eating chocolate until I died.
It is a feeling that one could use to define the word bittersweet.

I don't know if anyone else has ever had the same experience as me when it comes to this, probably because I've never really tried to communicate it.
Anyway...

I don't feel that way right now, but it comes about the closest emotionally to what I feel tonight.
What I'm feeling is a lostness and a longing.
I'm realizing how much I miss certain aspects of religion.

To be honest, I have not been to church in over six months. I've been in church buildings for various reasons, I even spent several hours working with Dad on a presentation for his Sunday school class. But I haven't been to a service since sometime around Christmas. The candlelight service at 4C's is the last one I really remember, but I was probably at a few Satellites after that. I think.

What happened? The perfect storm is what happened. Take some serious theological questioning, add distrust of the American Evangelical church, and throw in a pinched budget that wiped out a college ministry... and I was down for the count, three strikes and I was out, I punted on fourth down, got my pass stolen mid ice (court, field, you pick... more sports analogies anyone?).

I stopped going to church. I stopped leading my bible study. I stopped reading the bible. I even stopped reading the books on theology that I so love. I got fed up with the three hour theological conversations with the roommates. I pressed >>| when Third Day came up on the iPod. I couldn't take any of it anymore.

In short, I overloaded, shorted out, and my spiritual life broke.

I took a few stabs at it, but didn't get very far. It's like when you find something wrong with the doorknob and take the screws out to try and fix it, only to realize that it's broken more than you know how to fix. I talked with people I trusted, argued with some, but got nowhere. I know I walked away from some of those conversations feeling as though I'd made some progress. There were definitely a few times when someone had me convinced that I could fix the doorknob if I just did this or that. But then I'd get home, pick it up, and get all frustrated again. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to yell at everyone "It's not that easy to fix!". It was just easier to give up.

The funny thing about giving up on something is that it doesn't make it go away. I thought about my spirituality every day. It was a dreadful thought nearly every time. Like knowing that you took the doorknob off, and it's still off, and you should fix it, and that someone's gonna get a splinter sticking their hand in that hole to open it. Spirituality became a chore for me. And let me tell you something, me and chores, we don't get along. Ask my dad, shoot, ask my roommates... I never do the dishes.

So my spirituality became a nagging smelling stack of dishes that I plugged my nose around, and ignored as best I could...

Umm, It's 1:15am now and I should get some sleep. I'll continue this later... 'click'

Stirring of the Pot

2007-04-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

The link I posted for the last post here caused a bit of stir. Some people said something, and the silence of others tells me how they felt. I feel the need to clarify a few things...

First, I exaggerated when I said I just about had a hernia laughing. It wasn't that funny.

Second, I thought that I could just throw out a link and everyone would get my full point. Obviously I was wrong. I thought that people would read what the site had to say, along with watching the videos. My bad, I should have suggested the reading in my post.

Second (part 2), 'The Church You Know' takes it's name and video concept from NBC's 'The More You Know' campaign. Those parts are intended as satire and parody. However, if you look at the text that goes with each video, and the creed that is posted on the creed page, you can see that there is (as always) truth in jest. The guys at "TCYK" have some issues with the 'church you know', or as I would call it 'your average american church', so they decided to say something about it. They've used their own words and their own sense of humor to say it. I don't necessarily agree with everything they say, I just think that they do have a few valid points.

Third, I don't necessarily agree with everything they say, I just thing that they do have a few valid points (Deja Vu?) I think that some people are caught up in the average american church, and just don't THINK about the things that are part of it. All I ask is that you think, or rethink the things you do as 'church'.

Fourth, All I ask is that you think, or rethink the things you do as 'church'.

Fifth, I ain't even gonna get into the definition of 'church'...

Comment Notes... Kath, your church doing donated donuts is the exception, I think they're awesome for that, but the average church doesn't. Todd, I'm with you, where the money goes really matters to me.

A Public Service Announcement

2007-03-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

NBC has "The More You Know"
(it's totally serious)

GOD has "The Church You Know"
(it's totally serious and humorous)

&

I jus' 'bout had a hernia laughing.

but

Seriously, some people need to see these videos.

You got a problem with that?

2007-03-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

Todd said something the other day about how I haven't posted here in a long time. He suggested that I take the Belief-O-Matic test on Belief.net and write about it. I told him that I had already taken it. I guess I was hesitant to post about it because I think that although it's a 'serious' test, it's still one of those internet tests and I just don't see how it could be that accurate/scientific. But I went ahead and took it anyway...

Belief-O-Matic :|:
My biggest issue with the Belief-O-Matic was that it seemed confining. It did have some really interesting flexibility meters built in (Like the High/Med/Low prioritizer), but it still seemed to me like it was geared towards pretty generic or 'standard' belief sets and/or denominations. I found as I went through that I was selecting an answer only because there weren't any other choices, and I was choosing the one I chose because it had the closest resemblance to the beliefs that I grew up with.

Whats wrong with that?

Well, those beliefs are ones that I have come to hold in question of late. They are things that I am no longer 'sure' of. I found myself cringing my way through the test, and hoping for the best. Only to let out a honk of a laugh when it came back with it's verdict.

And that was?

According to the Belief-O-Matic, I, Gabe Gaberson (Toddism) am a full fledged...

ORTHODOX QUAKER!

You got a problem with that?
I do...
Don't get me wrong, I would love to be an Orthodox Quaker, and I'm really quite serious in that statement, but as I've hinted at above, I just don't think it nailed me on this one...

----------

On a more serious note...

I am at a very strange place right now.

I cling to Monotheism because no other explanation cuts it.

I cling to Creationism (defined: the belief that life on Earth is the product of a divine act rather than organic evolution) because no other explanation cuts it.

I want to stand back and get away from all the confines and look at it objectively.

I don't want to think about it.

When I think about people (friends, family, etc.) in the context that I am concerned for them, in a context that I would have prayed for them in the past, I find that I cannot talk to the Creating Deity.

The Creating Deity has lost form.

I know not what God looks like.

This scares the shit out of me.

This makes me excited because I think I may have had the wrong picture.

I don't want to think about it because it makes me afraid.

I am afraid of the future, in a way it feels like graduating from High School did. When I should have been excited about the open possibilities of the future, I was cowering in the corner in fear of the massive expanse before me. (Maybe this is a lesson that I never really learned?)

I think I've come to a decision though, as to what to do next.
I don't wanna talk about it really.
But don't freak out, in the end it might seem rather conventional to you.

I just need to do this my way and on my own for now.
Regardless of how unhealthy you might think the solo run is...
You know who you are.
And if, perchance, you are one that speaks to that Creating Deity, you might say some words on my behalf...

What happens when.

2007-02-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

just to get it off my shoulder...

words...

I really felt like being here
would patch some putty holes
I didn't mind the scars it'd leave
for character on these walls
but when the words that you repeat
come down like hammer blows
I find myself retreating fast
and creeping on tiptoes

the very thoughts that set me free
by opening the cage
turn hunters now on mighty steeds
and waste no dog or horn
as I tremble now in wild weeds
lost in a world unknown
wishing for the prior safety
of the cage I called my home

----------
Thanks to Cuyler for the chat and the laughter, I needed them,
also thanks to K.B. for being ears when I needed them.
The two of you were fresh breaths this evening.

Happy with anxiety

2007-01-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

Talking with Dad in the AM, well, later this AM...

Want to do this, need to do this, but I'm afraid that my illogical beginnings that have not yet resolved themselves will end in frustrations for his logical brain. Could be in for some waffle tornadoes (get the book) with other severe weather in this conversation.

If you pray, do.

Strung out on String Theory

2007-01-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'll start by answering a question that was asked in a comment on the last post, and by mentioning that I will give an effort at any sincere question posed here. Rob Bell likens a set of beliefs to a trampoline, and seriously folks, what's the point of jumping alone? So ask away and we'll jump together...

Cuyler asked what exactly a 'House Church' was. - The Wikipedia article defines it as follows:

House church is an informal term for a group of Christians gathering regularly or spontaneously in a home or on grounds not normally used for worship services, instead of a building dedicated to the purpose. Another term with the same meaning is "home church".

Some churches meet in houses because they lack a conventional church building; these are not normally regarded as house churches as the intent is to eventually move into an offsite facility.

Others meet in homes because they prefer to meet informally, because they believe it is an effective way of creating community and engaging in outreach, or because they believe small family-sized churches were a deliberate apostolic pattern in the first century and intended by Christ. Some, perhaps, meet in homes for several of these reasons.

I'd say that's pretty much right on, and add that people can end up in them or starting them for a multitude of reasons. The one we went to today being a perfect example. (Someone remind me to later do a post called "The politics of church, or How Christians don't always get along.")

I wrote some of what follows while sitting at the back of the room this morning, the rest is just filling it out...

I find a repetitive staleness in the motions of this place. And yet it comes within a genuine effort at community and seeking of truth. There is good and bad here.

I feel that although the 'Word' is open, it's just being read in the same modern context. Maybe "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God"(John 1:1) means that Jesus is the word and that what he has to say is what we should follow and not necessarily what this 'canonical' set of scriptures brings. I'm not saying it's worthless (to the contrary it's one grand contextualization) I'm just wondering if maybe we try to make too much out of all of this.

- I've also gone off into something Tim (the pastor at the house church) said about Isaiah 65:17 "For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth". He said that the 'create' there is the same word used in Genesis and that it could mean an entirely new universe. Now this was one of those things that happens sometimes where you hear something, or see something in a new light and see validity in it. Somehow I'd never really considered an entirely new universe, just new stuff in it. And as soon as I'd heard it, I loved it.
- I thought instantly of String Theory. Now I won't really go into the theory, because you really can't do it without getting really technical really fast, but here's what you need to know. String Theory has aspirations of being a 'Theory of Everything' (initially a joke term, but now something scientists are taking seriously). Now a T.O.E., as they're called, would be able to account for how our entire universe exists, how it got there, and where it's going.
- I'll probably get into what a Theist is doing messing with T.O.E's at a later time, but for now we'll talk about the 'how it got there' and 'where it's going' parts. One part of this theory guesses that our universe came into being (from nothing) at some 'Bang' sort of moment, and expanded from then until it reached a climax moment after which it will contract until it reaches critical mass and 'Bangs' right back into the nothing that it came from. This would be followed by another 'Bang' moment and another universe. The end result is an unending pattern of 'Bang/contract' and no way to ever guess how many universes there have been before and might be after ours.
- So here's my thought. What if the universe that we live in came into existence when God said (and Bang, it was) and it IS contracting and it WILL end? And what if the next universe to come along is really the "new heavens" of Isaiah? What if that repetitive pattern is just something that makes sense to us as humans so we guessed that it was there? What if the end really IS the beginning? I find that thought to be extra-ordinarily beautiful.

Like I said, most of that I wrote down in my notebook earlier today. Just sitting here typing it, thinking on it, doing a bit of research on it, it all makes my brain hurt. Tony said he's not sure there can be such a thing as a 'Modern Postmodern', but I have to disagree, I am that. I think half in the modern methods I was raised in, and half in the postmodern methods that make sense to me and my peers.

2007-01-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving in five minutes to go to a local house church and check it out with a couple friends.

I'm confused, frustrated, nervous, and in anticipation.

hoping and praying, I want the truth, may I find the trail that leads there...

So much, So little

2007-01-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

I'm still getting the hang of this new blog over here, and now I'm remembering how it was to begin RMI and how long it took to find rhythm (pun & link). Something that's slowing me down right now is the massive amount of thought running through my head. It's stopping me at times because I'm afraid that I'll run on and on...

One of the things that is influencing me right now is a book. A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren. I'm about a third of the way through it and right now I've been feeling like someone is finally articulating what I didn't know how to. Part of it is taking me back to my struggles with church over the last few years, I am now realizing that what was rubbing me the wrong way was 'organized religion'. I got to talking about it with Steve today and initially we both agree that as a community of people that believe the same thing and wish to practice it together, humans will organize. Steve also made a good point about no one being able to prove the merits of solo-faith.

There are so many more thoughts running about in here, it's a bit overwhelming to try and get it all down right now. Forgive me if this doesn't make sense yet, I'm working on it. Like I said before, this is a work in progress (as, of course, am I) and I'm trying to find rhythm.

Early On: Into all Dimensions.

2007-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

- A few weeks ago some friends and I went down to the Larimer Lounge for a concert. There we watched a massive local ensemble called 'Everything Absent or Distorted' play. I really enjoyed it, so when I got home (though it was already three in the morning) I hopped on MySpace to check them out a bit more. One of the first things I look at on a band's page is their influences. Often I am disappointed by a short list aimed at categorizing the group, but this time was different, EAOD (for that is how they abbreviate their name) had posted their influences as follows:
In addition to genetics, Fate, nature, nurture, social class, Time and Providence : Slayer & Sufjan. I was highly impressed.

I have always held that someone's influences are never simple, that the things we do/create are really the sum and total of everything that has ever occurred to us. If I heard Bob Marley in a shop window while walking down a street in San Carlos, CA when I was twelve, that had some sort of effect on who I am today, and the things that I do. It was an influence on me. And as I journey through this life, and post on this blog, I will be influenced by everything that happens, so my posts may vary, they may wander.

What I'm saying is, don't be surprised to find song lyrics one day and archaically translated Calvin the next.

Setting

2006-12-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

I guess this could be part of the first post (If you haven't read it yet, scroll down a bit and do so, it might clear some things up), but it isn't, so I'll just have to go on...

Those of you who know me might be asking yourselves (or me) why I am doing this. You might be afraid for me, excited for me, confused, angry, etcetera. So I think I'll do what I can to address those kinds of emotions...

- Fear: You probably are afraid for me if you come from the same background that I do. You're probably thinking 'He's going to go off searching and fall away'. - Pardon the phrase, but, fear not. I still believe that the Bible is true, I'm just searching for verification. If someone says that they believe that Vanilla ice-cream tastes good, then you would expect them to eat it, or to at least not be afraid to eat it. If you believe something to be true, then verification should be expected.
- Excitement: You are probably going through somewhat of a similar experience. You have questions about your beliefs and would be glad to have someone to question them with. - I honestly don't know how helpful I can or will be, but I for sure am willing to participate in these conversations. Just know that I will likely only pitch in when the conversation deals with where I am currently at, otherwise I'll just listen and absorb.
- Confused: You don't know what I believe and/or why I'm questioning it. You don't know what you believe. You believe something but have never questioned it. - Read along for a bit and give it a chance, maybe you'll find something interesting.
- Angry: This isn't right, why would someone do this? What on earth is this guy thinking? - I have no idea what's going on in your head. Tell me and we can talk about it.
- Etcetera: This one's really open, it's for all the reactions that I can't have guessed at. - It gets a repeat answer. I have no idea what's going on in your head. Tell me and we can talk about it.

Now as to why I'm doing this? It seems to be coming at me from several directions, and to be honest, I don't know that I can pin it all down while I'm in the middle of it (who can say what the whole earth looks like without having a view from above it?). But I will do my best to show you how it started, hopefully that will help.

I was born and raised in Denver, and at the age of 19 decided to move to Portland, Oregon. While I was in Portland I attended a large evangelical 'Community Church'. It was while I was there that I first began to feel some sort of dis-connect with 'the church', I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I knew that I sure felt more comfortable in smaller groups, legitimate communities. I didn't really pay any attention to it at the time, and forced myself to continue with what had become my standard practices (go to church, help with youth, help with media).

About two years later I moved to Florida. Life there was so crazy that I was desperate to find something that resembled my blanket (refer to post1 for the Peanuts/Linus analogy), and I forcefully plugged myself into another evangelical church. While there I found that the general environment was extremely impersonal, and soon found that the place that I really felt comfortable was among a smaller group of peers. Florida didn't last long for a number of reasons, and I soon found myself back home in Denver.

Home-bittersweet-home. When I came back to Denver, I became disillusioned almost immediately. What happened? I tried to go back to all the places that I had been, all of the large evangelical churches. I was ignoring what I had already begun to learn about myself, that I needed smaller, more intimate community, and it wasn't long before I gave up on 'going to church' entirely. But although I had given up mentally, I still made physical efforts, and it was through this that I ended up trying out a bible study with my sister and a friend.

One Tuesday night, almost exactly a year ago, the three of us ventured into the basement of a suburban household, and I entered the small community that now means everything to me. As we sat in that study, I realized that I was amongst a group of people that were truly seeking truth. I realize how cliche that must sound, but it isn't. I had found a group that was willing to say "This is where I am now, but I'm not entirely sure it's right, so I want to find out.". I was blown away.

Now I live with two of the guys from that group, and when you live with someone, you end up having conversations with them, and when you have conversations they tend to run on and on like this sentence, and you eventually (or immediately) get to the '-ies' (ideologies, philosophies, theologies and other-ies). And that's where I am right now. I've been living with these two for a few months now, and for most of it I've just been listening. Now I'm going to talk. I don't know that I really have anything solid to say yet, but I do hope that my thoughts might make more sense to me if I write them down, and that they might find some worth in your mind.

Initialism

2006-12-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I think I'll start with what you need to know...

Dumb Internet Information:
A/S/L: 24/M/Denver, CO, USA

Slightly More Important Information:
Religion: Christian
Denomination: Raised Baptist, Later Evangelical.
Basic Belief: The Bible is True...

... and there's where I get into why this blog is even going to exist...

I believe that the Bible is true, I really do, but where I'm beginning to struggle with it is why I believe it to be true. The only answer that I have at the moment is that I believe it because I was raised to believe it. Honestly, that's not good enough for me anymore.

I tend to think in analogies, so I'll start with one (and get used to it, I'm gonna do it regularly). Being raised with something, you tend to become attached to it, and I am for sure attached to what I was raised with. I feel like Linus in the Peanuts comic. I am the dude running around with his 'security blanket' of beliefs. I was taught these things from day one, and they are comfortable to me, they are what I turn to when I feel challenged or confused or scared. This kind of Christianity that I was raised in is my blanket, and I keep it with me at all times. But of late I've come to realize that this blanket is old, it was there before I was (It was given to me on day 1, so it had to exist before I did). I'm not saying that old is bad, all you have to do is watch 'Antiques Roadshow' for an example of that. What I'm saying is that although I've called this 'my' blanket, it came before I did, and thus, someone else made it. The ideologies, philosophies, theologies and other-ies that I have always called mine, actually come from others.

Now, that doesn't make them inherently good or bad, it just means that as I have grown more aware of them, I realize that I have just taken them for granted, at face value, and have never verified them.

So now I am embarking on a journey to verify my beliefs, and I have decided to journal this trip publicly.

Join me?